Alzheimer

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Waiting Room!!!

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Woman Brain!!!

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive than the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

Do You Sing in the Bath???

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

What Sort of Medicine is Practiced Here?

Quick Diagnosis

Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Keep Taking the Medicine

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

Sex Doctor

"Τι μπορώ να κάνω για σας;", ρωτάει ο γιατρός.
"Θα μας δείτε να κάνουμε σεξ;", ρωτάει ο άντρας. Ο γιατρός παραξενεύεται αλλά συμφωνεί. Όταν τελειώνει το ζευγάρι λέει ο γιατρός: "Δεν υπάρχει κανένα πρόβλημα με τον τρόπο που κάνετε σεξ" και τους χρεώνει 50 Ευρώ.
Αυτό γίνεται για μερικές εβδομάδες στη σειρά.
Το ζευγάρι κλείνει ραντεβού, το κάνει μπροστά στο γιατρό, τον πληρώνει και φεύγει.
Κάποια στιγμή ο γιατρός ρωτάει: "Τι ακριβώς προσπαθούμε να βρούμε ρε παιδια ;"
Και ο άντρας απαντάει: "Α, τίποτα. Η κυρία είναι παντρεμένη και δεν μπορούμε να πάμε σπίτι της. Το ίδιο κι εγώ, οπότε δεν μπορούμε να πάμε ούτε στο δικό μου σπίτι. Το Caravel χρεώνει 90 Ευρώ, το Intercontinental χρεώνει 108 Ευρώ, το Ledra Mariott χρεώνει 147 Ευρώ. Εμείς το κάνουμε εδώ με 50 Ευρώ και παίρνουμε και 43 Ευρώ επιστροφή από το Medicare της Metrolife".

Mechanic vs Doctor

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot!!!

joke

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

funny one!!!

The Doc song!!!

You know you are a doctor when.......!!!

1. You wake up at 6am on a weekend although you don't have work.
2. A sound of a van reversing with a beep makes you look for a phone number.
3. You feel there is something wrong if you don't have an exam coming up.
4. Can’t relax
5. Can wiz through a 300 page book in a day
6. Are sexually charged for no reason you can pinpoint!!
7. Watch scrubs and laugh at yourself.
8. Use the phrase "I am a doctor" to get away with something.
9. You are always tiered.
10. When you keep on asking for stuff that doesn't get done.
11. When you write more than a thousand words a day.
12. When you have no privacy.
13. When you look at a naked person on the beach and the first thing you notice is their appendectomy scar.
14. If you thought you have a disease you are studying about.
15. if you feel like your over worked and under paid.
16. If people call you doctor.
17. You find yourself always carrying a pen even if you're on a night out.
18. When you forget to have a haircut.
19. cannula please!!!!
20. Are expected to be in two places at the same time.
21. Are expected to know everything.
22. Are called in the middle of the night to sign a piece of paper.
23. Are dragged to the end of the world to talk to someone.
24. Are expected to smile everyday.
25. Don't understand what people mean when they talk about the "hospital smell".
26. When you can see someone's guts and think about food.
27. When you are not disgusted by the previous sentence.
28. If you can't remember what you ate they day before! but still manage to remember the blood results of every single patient you have.
29. You are always thinking about the next job.
30. Are reading this sentence!!!
31. You think green is a cool color to wear!!

20 Reason why you Should DATE a Doctor :

1. The stethoscope
2. They can give you the gift of "missing them" because they are always at work
3. They can give you a free medical consultation
4. You save yourself the embarrassment of going to a doctor with a water infection!!
5. They are smart!!
6. They know their anatomy well (know what works and where)
7. They are heavy weight party people in the weekend
8. Let's play doctor!!
9. They are well trained to listen.
10. They know how you feel, or at least pretend to!!
11. They always have a strange new story to tell.
12. They offer you a tissue when you feel like crying (it is a reflex).
13. They can stay up all night if you want them to.
14. They can guide you in the gym.
15. Money!!! (Although they work long hours for it)
16. Free medical samples!!
17. They are unshockable!!!
18. They know what you want to hear and say it!!
19. They always try to dress nice!!
20. They are trained in breaking bad news in a nice way.